Dealing with PTSD is not something I ever expected to be doing at 26 years old.. I have always avoided relationships out of fear of getting in too deep and getting hurt.  So, imagine my surprise when I fell in love with my absolute best friend in the entire world.. Who just happened to be my former roommate's ex boyfriend.  Not an ideal situation, but I figured that everyone has a past, so it's probably better that I get to date someone who's past I know.
My boyfriend, lets call him Josh, has been in the army since he was 17.. He has been on two deployments as a blackhawk crew chief, and has one coming up next year.  He is a part time fire fighter in the town we grew up in, and he is also in school full time.  When we first started dating, I knew he had been through some PTSD issues before, having had to go to therapy because he was approached by a supervisor who told him it was therapy or he would lose his job... He chose the therapy.
Fast forward a few months...
The two of us were cooking dinner in our kitchen on a Monday night.. Our night off together. Josh received a phone call from one of his co workers from the fire department called him asking what was going on down at the base, as he works there full time and all of the blackhawks were flying around looking like they were searching for something.  Josh called the base, only to find out that that same supervisor who told him to get help had been missing since lunch time and they were searching for him.
We went about our lives, cooked dinner, discussed what was going on a bit, and started watching TV. He told me that this boss had kind of seemed like he was "losing it" for the past couple months.. Being very forgetful, acting sort of senile, and mind you he was only in his 50's. No one really thought twice about it.
Around 8:30, Josh got the call... They had found his supervisor in one of the hangars.  He hung himself.  Josh was absolutely devestated.  He wouldn't really admit how he was feeling, as he is not an emotional kind of guy, but I could tell it was bothering him.  It wasn't until a few weeks later that I found out that he was the one to insist Josh got help when he was going through his own battle.  Josh had told me that it killed him that he couldn't see in his supervisor what he saw in him.  He felt personally responsible for the loss.
I hadn't been around for the first time Josh had dealt with PTSD, so I  didn't really know what signs to look for, I just dismissed his behavior and made excuses for everything he did.  He was really good at hiding his depression, until finally  he snapped and couldn't hide it from me anymore.  Our relationship fell apart, which pushed me to the point I'm presently at.  Being there for him as much as he will let me, but unable to live with him.   My hope is that this blog can raise awareness and maybe help someone through what I have been  going through for months.  I wish I had someone to talk to before I let it get to this point.
The one thing that someone said to me before I approached them  issue was "know your soldier.. If you think something is wrong, it probably is".   When I heard that, I knew I needed to approach the situation with my boyfriend, I just didn't know how. Every day is a new battle, and being willing to fight that battle is half of it.